One Year.

It's hard to believe that my Dad passed away one year ago today.

One long year of getting through the "firsts." His birthday, the first time I went back to Michigan and he wasn't there, Thanksgiving, Christmas. A call that went undialed to tell him about my engagement although I think he would have said something like "Congrats, hun!...It's about time... You're not getting any younger, ya knooow." And then he'd follow it up with his I think just said something really funny but she's not laughing laugh.

The day after Christmas last year I woke up to find several missed calls from both of my sisters. After speaking to my sister, Jill, I knew I needed to get on a plane and get back to Michigan that day. While at the airport, I spoke to Jill again and found out that my Dad was being flown to a level 1 trauma hospital. Which gave me gave me new hope that the doctors there would be able to help him.

The flight dragged on and it seemed to take forever to get there. If anything, I was praying for a miracle for him to hold on until I could see him. Finally arriving in Grand Rapids, I carried that hope off the plane with me and down the ramp to the arrivals waiting area where my immediate family was waiting for me.

And that's when I knew I was not about to receive the good news I hoped for. My eyes were locked on my sisters, not noticing another person around me. Before I reached them, Lori looked at me and mouthed two words I didn't want to hear "I'm sorry."

Kerplunk. My heart fell and shattered on the dirty airport floor. Heartbroken doesn't describe hearing that news. We hugged and cried, got my luggage, cried some more and headed to the hospital. 

I wanted to prepare myself for what I would find when I got there but as Lori spewed out the gory details like a robot (we we're all pretty much in robot mode at that point), I couldn't bear to hear it. I'm so grateful my sisters were there with him in his final hours but I'm sorry they had to see what they did. Those things aren't easy to forget and I didn't want those images plastered in my head.

Walking into his room and seeing his body was so strange. I've seen dead people before but only at funerals in their Sunday best. He was lying there peacefully, covered with a white sheet that was tucked snugly across his bare chest. As I sat with him I remember tracing the tattoo on his forearm with my finger and noticing his arms were already starting to go purple. I just kept staring at him. He looked so peaceful.

We spent my birthday planning my Dad's funeral. A far cry from how I imagined my day would go just a mere 48 hours before.The funeral went by in a whirlwind and I returned to Seattle. Weeks passed but everyday felt like he had died the day before. I had no appetite, couldn't sleep and didn't want to be alone. I became skittish and nervous. Slowly I came out of the fog and started adjusting to a new normal.

I went through most of the year struggling with what ifs and regrets. What if he would have gone to the hospital earlier? What if he would have stayed in the hospital instead of going home to recover? I should have gone home when I knew he was sick. I should have found an earlier flight that day.

Anyone who's been in a similar situation knows the pitfalls of the what ifs. It can consume you. But the past few weeks I have been given a new sense of peace about my Dad. When I think of him, I smile or laugh more often than I cry.

When I walk around a little lake by our house there are usually a few men out there fishing. At first, it pained me to see and I walked by them as fast as possible and chose to look the other way. Now I slowly pass and smile. Watching them and thinking of my Dad, doing what he loved.

I know my Dad is watching over us and I often picture him going for long walks with my Grandpa's and golfing with old friends, Mary and Pep wherever he is. And of course, fishing.

As I go into this second year of not having my Dad physically in my life, I'm starting to shed the regrets and what ifs. There will still be good days and bad days but the bad will be less frequent. When people told me I would heal in time, I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to think I would ever be ok with what had happened. But I've learned that healing doesn't need to mean forgetting. For me it means being able to make one of his recipes without adding salty tears to the batter or reading his last text message to me saying "hospitals suck" and laughing.

I do miss him terribly and wish I could see him just one more time. But I go on knowing he is ok and I have a feeling he knows I'm going to be ok too.  

Mushroom and Delicata Squash Risotto

After Thanksgiving soup is so, last year.

So what is one supposed to do with not one, but two boxes of opened (don't ask) chicken broth leftover from Thanksgiving? Risotto.The adult comfort food. We also had a Delicata squash sitting in our fridge, begging to be used before it met its untimely death with the compost so Jacob thought we should add that too. The wine I had to purchase though because left over wine just doesn't associate itself with my household.

The ingredients below is a couple recipes combined into one with a splash of Christie'ness. Aka, I winged it. So feel free to modify and add your own flare.

2 small delicata squash, peeled, seeded and cubed

8 cups chicken broth, low sodium

5 tablespoons olive oil, divided

1 shallot, diced, divided

2 garlic cloves, minced, divided

4 cups fresh portobello, crimini and shitake mushrooms, sliced

2 tablespoons fresh thyme, chopped

2 tablespoons fresh parsley, chopped

2 tablespoons butter

Salt and pepper

1 tablespoon truffle oil

2 cups Arborio rice

1/2 cup dry white wine

1/2 cup fresh Parmesan cheese, grated

Fresh parsley, for garnish

Directions

Preheat the oven to 425 degrees and line a baking sheet with foil or parchment paper. Toss the squash with 2 Tbsp oil, season with salt and pepper, and spread on the prepared baking sheet. Roast for 25 minutes or until tender. Don't let it get too mushy.

Heat the chicken broth in a medium saucepan and keep warm over low heat.

Now heat 1 tablespoon of oil in a large skillet over medium heat. Add 1/2 shallot and 1 clove garlic, cook, stirring, until translucent, about 3 minutes. Add the mushrooms, herbs and butter. Saute for 3 to 5 minutes until lightly browned, season with salt and pepper.

Coat a saucepan with remaining 2 tablespoons of oil. Saute the remaining 1/2 shallot and garlic clove. Add the rice and stir quickly until it is well-coated and opaque, 1 minute. This step cooks the starchy coating and prevents the grains from sticking to each other. Or your pan. Stir in wine and cook until it is almost all evaporated.

Now add 1 cup of the warm broth and cook, stirring, until the rice has absorbed the liquid. Add the remaining broth, 1 cup at a time. Continue to cook and stir, and stir and stir and stir (basically until your arm feels like it's going to fall off - but I assure you, each bite is worth it), allowing the rice to absorb each addition of broth before adding more.

The risotto should be slightly firm and creamy, not mushy. Transfer the mushrooms and roasted squash to the rice mixture and add the truffle oil. Stir in Parmesan cheese, cook briefly until melted. Top with chopped parsley before serving.

Hungarian Mushroom Soup with Homemade Croutons

 

This morning Jacob and I attended a soup making class at Williams-Sonoma and I got inspired to make some fall soup, despite the warm weather we've been having. As I was perusing recipes later at home, I came across a Hungarian Mushroom Soup that sounded delicious. And who can say no to mushrooms? 'Shrooms are definitely a staple in our house.

I found this recipe on Allrecipes.com and modified it slightly. I also decided at the last minute to make croutons out of some homemade bread that was nearing the end of its shelf life.

Hungarian Mushroom Soup with Homemade Croutons

• 1/2 cup unsalted butter
• 1 medium yellow onion, chopped
• 2 pounds fresh mushrooms, sliced
• 1 tablespoon and 1 teaspoon dried dill weed
• 2 tablespoons smoked paprika (you can use regular if you don't have smoked)
• 2 tablespoons soy sauce
• 4 cups chicken broth
• 2 cups milk
• 1/4 cup and 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
• 2 teaspoons salt
• ground black pepper to taste
• 1 tablespoon and 1 teaspoon lemon juice
• 1 tablespoon chopped dried parsley
• 1 cup sour cream

Melt the butter in a large pot over medium heat. Saute the onions in the butter for 5 minutes. Add the mushrooms and saute for 5 more minutes. Stir in the dill, paprika, soy sauce and broth. Reduce heat to low, cover, and simmer for 15 minutes. 

In a separate small bowl, whisk the milk and flour together. Pour this into the soup and stir well to blend. Cover and simmer for 15 more minutes, stirring occasionally.

 

Stir in the salt, ground black pepper, lemon juice, parsley and sour cream. Mix together and allow to heat through over low heat, about 3 to 5 minutes. Do not boil. 

Croutons

• 2 slices of bread, cut into small squares
• 1 Tablespoon olive oil
• Salt & Pepper to taste

In a small bowl, combine the bread and olive oil and sprinkle with salt and pepper to taste. Place bread on a baking sheet and put under the broiler for a few minutes until golden brown. Warning: things could turn sour real quick so make sure you watch the bread so it doesn't burn.


Serve soup immediately with croutons.

Dill Pickles

One of the things we love to do on a Saturday morning is peruse the University District Farmer's Market. Today we came out with a nice fall - mostly veggie - loot! Carrots, golden beets, shiitake and lions mane mushrooms, purple potatoes, fennel, Asian pears, pickling cucumbers and some dill.

My Dad used to make pickles quite regularly and my sisters and I would eat them like candy. I'd never attempted to make them myself until today after getting a whiff of this fresh dill at the market...

And it got me thinking, how hard can it possibly be? So we bought some of that fresh dill and these pickling cucumbers...

My Dad had three recipes for pickles so I used the one with the least complexity. One called for sitting in the sun for three days but seeing how it's fall in Seattle, that one was out of the question.

Now the hard part will waiting 4-6 weeks to eat these babies...

I'll let you know if they're edible but here is the recipe if you want to give it a whirl. The recipe didn't mention the pickling cucumbers in the ingredients but seeing as how I'm aiming for pickles, I thought I'd add them.

The recipe also lacked instruction so I made stuff up as I went. I'm fairly certain my Dad never even used a recipe so he must have had the insight that I'd need it one day.

Dill Pickles
Original Recipe by Dave Van Dyke

• 3 quarts water
• 3/4 cup kosher salt
• 1 1/2 cups white vinegar
• 1 bunch of dill
• 1 clove of garlic (per jar)
• A bunch of pickling cucumbers

Heat the water until hot. Combine the salt and vinegar with the hot water. This is your brine. Place the cucumbers in mason jars with a clove of garlic and a few sprigs of dill. Fill the jars with the brine, completely covering the cucumbers. Let sit for 4-6 weeks.

Homemade Cinnamon Rolls w/Bourbon Vanilla Icing

I woke up this morning with every intention of drinking myself a healthy dose of french press coffee while settling down in our "reading room" with my Nook. Note: By "reading room" I mean a 5x8 cell like room which my friend Kelly and I shoved a comfy over-sized chair in (very carefully). It sits there alone, as there is room for nothing else.

And then I got a bug up my butt to make homemade cinnamon rolls for breakfast using one of my Dad's recipes, slightly mediumly modified. His recipe specifically calls for a bread machine (which I don't have) but they turned out delicious.

Cinnamon Rolls w/Bourbon Vanilla Icing

Dough

• 1 1/2 cups warm water
• 4 cups bread flour
• 1 1/2 tsp. salt
• 1/4 cup sugar
• 3 tbl. butter, melted
• 2 1/2 tsp. instant yeast

In a large bowl, combine all the dough ingredients. Knead for a few minutes on a floured surface. Form into a ball and place back in the bowl to rest for 30 minutes.

When the dough is done resting, roll into a rectangle about 1/2 inch thick. Spread the filling (recipe below)on the dough right to the edges. Starting at one end, roll the dough into a log. Next cut the two ends of the log so that the edges are even, discard.

Using a sharp knife, cut the log into 1 to 1/2 in sections. "These are your cinnamon rolls" according the recipe. Well, duh. Place "these" cinnamon rolls (as opposed to some other cinnamon rolls you may have encountered all the way?) in a high sided, lightly oiled baking pan or pie plate. Cover with a damp towel and place in a warm locale to rise for 30 minutes.

While the rolls are rising, preheat the oven to 350 degrees. Once the rolls have risen, place them in the oven and bake for 40 minutes. Drizzle with the icing.

Filling

• 1 cup brown sugar
• 8 tbl. softened butter (not melted)
• 1 tbl. ground cinnamon

Combine all ingredients and mix until you have an ooey gooey paste. Like this...

Icing

• 1 cup powdered sugar
• 1-2 tbl. milk or cream (I had some left over heavy whipping cream so I used that)
• 1/2 tsp. Trader Joe's Pure Bourbon Vanilla Extract (or you can simply use regular ol' vanilla extract)

In a small bowl, combine the powdered sugar and 1 tbl. milk or cream and the Bourbon Vanilla - or whatever flavor you fancy. Mix well. You may need to add the extra tbl. of milk or cream but the icing should be kind of thick but "drizzlable" (again, according the recipe. I can't make this stuff up).

If you're uncertain what "drizzlable" means, mine worked so I think this qualifies...

 And your final product...

Enjoy!