Tuesday, January 17, 2012

I wonder...

Yesterday was three weeks since my Dad passed away. Sometimes it feels longer, sometimes it feels like yesterday and then sometimes I still can't believe it actually happened. Regardless of the perceived time elapsed, it sucks all the same. 

Losing a parent is indescribable. The sadness is so overwhelming it's hard to function. I found myself just trying to get through, hour by hour. Emotionally drained. I feel like I'll never be "normal" again. What is "normal" anyway? I look around me and can find the slightest thing that brings a memory of him. It's hard to control my emotions. I'll cry at a moments notice. Or no notice at all.

Looking back to that awful day - before I knew anything was wrong - I had the most amazing dream. I dreamt my Dad was dropping myself and some friends off at the airport. We were late for our flight and my friends were frantically running to the gate. For whatever reason, I decided to turn around and run back to him. I hugged him tight, gave him a kiss on the cheek and told him I loved him. 

I woke up from that dream and sat straight up in bed. I had a feeling in the pit of my stomach that something wasn't right. As I reached for my cellphone, I saw that I had missed six calls and a frantic text message from both my sisters. I always put my phone on silent at night so I never heard any of them.

I replay that day in my head over and over. If I could have gotten there earlier... If I would have gone home for Christmas... If I would have had time for a proper goodbye.. If... If... If...

My Dad had been in the hospital a week before and although he had gone home and was feeling better, I had a feeling that something wasn't right. But I put in the back of my mind. 

I wonder if I'll ever stop replaying that day. I wonder if I'll ever stop seeing a specific date back in time and think "my Dad was still alive then" and for a microsecond think that somehow I could change the outcome. I wonder if I'll stop "forgetting" he is gone when I want to send an email or text message to him about something. I wonder what his birthday will be like. Father's Day. Christmas.

And then the ugly reality of it all sets in. The "I wonders" will soon not be a wonder at all. I will be living through all of them sooner or later.

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